If Walls Could Talk
by Redrum
Summary: COMPLETE: Squall attempts suicide. Everyone wants to know why... Will Seifer be the one to find out?
1. Talking To A Brick Wall

Edit (8/26/04):

I agree the 'NC17 content removed' ruins the mood, that's the point. They took fics off of because of the NC17 content, so I decided to some back on and to change the ones currently posted (along with editing mistakes that I missed before), but just remove certain parts and just leave off at tantalizing bits so that the readers would go to the site and read all of it. I'm not going to force myself to put constraints on my writing and force it down to R rated. It's only on that I have to do that.

Warnings: Non-con (of man and child), bloodplay, S & M, mention of sex toys, lemon, suicidal themes and attempts.

The above is fairly descriptive, so you'll have to go to one of my sites listen under my bio to read the complete version. Otherwise, feel free to read. But you'll be missing out on a lot of important events later on.

* * *

IF WALLS COULD TALK

Chapter 1: Talking to a Brick Wall

[Squall]

I watch as the blood begins to pool around me. I slit another cut, diagonal from the first one. This one spurts more blood. I watch sadly as my life is drained from me. Having no more energy left in me, I silently fall to the concrete. Darkness surrounds me, I sigh in relief.

[Seifer]

"Is he going to be okay doctor?" we all swiftly got up as Dr. Kadowaki came into the room.

"He should be out for another week or so. He's lost a lot of blood and he's lucky that you found him when you did. But at the moment that's all I can get from him until he wakes up." The doctor walked out of the infirmary room, leaving us to our privacy.

"Why do you think he did it?" Quistis, straight to the point once again.

"He was bored?"

"Seifer!"

"Yeah I know, now's not the time to start. You know I don't mean it... why don't you guys get some rest and I'll stay here for the night."

Leaving no room for argument, I quickly entered the room that Squall was now occupying. Closing the door behind me, I made my way over to the bed, gingerly sitting down in the wooden chair beside it.

"So Leonhart, guess you finally managed to get the guts to try to kill yourself. I bet you're thinking it's to bad that I found you. Of course I couldn't let you die, only I'm allowed to kill the great Squall Leonhart." Taking one glance at Squall you would already think of him as dead.

What with his pale skin, now even paler than before. His sculpted chest barely rising in an imitation of sleep. Cris-crossing red lines running up and down both of his muscular arms and the battle scars, along with some unknown scars, lining his chest and legs. I was almost tempted to check his pulse, just to be sure he was still with me--us.

"Well come on Leonhart. Wake up. You know all your friends are waiting for you and they're so worried it's making me sick. So either get up or I'll make you get up." Watching for any reaction, my head dropped in defeat. It was like talking to a brick wall.


	2. NeverNever Land

Chapter 2: Never-Never Land

[Seifer]

I was slowly losing my patience and hope. It had been five long weeks since I brought Squall into the infirmary and things didn't look too good. He was still as pale as a ghost, but at least his lips had lost their blue tinge. He was still breathing, but it looked pained.

Making another trip to the infirmary (that would be a count of three now in one day) I was surprised to see the activity that greeted me. Medical students were running around taking orders from an excited doctor. And the action appeared to involve Squall. Oh god, please don't let him be past an angry doctor I raced into Squall's room, my breath coming fast and I was close to unwanted tears.

Entering the room I was met with the sound of pained moans and a sight that almost made my heart lift at finally being able to see him awake; though pained he was.

Squall was lying in the fetal position and he looked terribly hurt. He was convulsing as he tried to hold back the cries, but low moans of anguish still reached my ears. Kneeling by his head, I cradled him the best I could without actually going onto the bed in fear of hurting him further. His convulsing stopped, but the moans did not cease. I held him tighter as he began to cry. It pained me deeply to know I couldn't do anything but hold him. Oh, how I wish I could take his place and take away the pain he must be feeling right now.

A question still rested on the tip of my tongue, though I was too afraid to ask. In fear of knowing what caused him to do it? I can say I honestly don't know. But I figured the best time to ask him was when his defenses where done and I'd say now would be my best bet to get a straight answer, an honest one at that.

"Squall -" when I had finally got the nerve to ask him, Dr. Kadowaki came in and demanded for me to leave her patient alone until she got a chance to check him over and to wait until he was well rested. Normally I would have rebuked and stayed, but I knew better than to cross Dr. Kadowaki, so I whispered a promise to be back in his ear and I left the room. My body was taught to show that his awakening didn't affect me, just like nothing else should either. But when I got to my dorm room, I was so exhausted from hiding my pain I had no time to think about Squall as my head hit the pillow and I was in Never-Never Land in no time.


	3. Who Else Is This Handsome?

Chapter 3: Who Else is this Handsome?

[Squall]

Darkness smothers me. Consumes my vision, my thoughts. I can't feel the outside world and I take pleasure in that. But like all things in life, my pleasure must come to an end.

When I manage to open my eyes I'm met with shadows and subdued lighting. A chocolate coloured lock falls before my eyes, I reach to brush it away but I find my hand bound by heavy steel chains.

My chest tightens as I find myself in an X formation. I have no support behind or in front of me and my arms feel as though I've been in this position for hours.

I try to move my feet, but am only met with the sound of chains rattling and restricting me. I can barely breath due to the large steel collar around my neck. This time it isn't chained to some unseen wall, but it doesn't need to be. The steel is so heavy and thick that I can't bow my head and if I move my head to the side, blood begins to seep out from underneath it.

"Ahhh, you're awake." I shudder as the cold voice reaches my ears. A tall man, with long unnatural green hair, a duster that reflects the dim light of its silver surface hangs loosely off his well built frame, but my throat catches at the sight of his eyes. A deep supernatural red that reveals nothing but cruel intentions.

"-Leonhart... Leonhart? Squall!" my body flings itself forward, no longer bound by chains. My eyes widen in fright and the sheets around me soak me to the bone. A large hand is placed on my trembling shoulder, my eyes finally rest on the figure sitting beside me. "Hey, good to see you're awake." The large blonde takes his hand away as my gaze hold his. He sits there with his hands in his lap, looking uncomfortable.

"Seifer?" the frown of concern is replaced my an arrogant smirk.

"Who else is this handsome?" I roll my eyes as I finally begin to absorb what's going on around me. If I had anything to go by, what with the white walls, the white floors and the white bed sheets, I guessed that we were in the infirmary.

"Whatever."

"Ahhh, back to your old self again. So why did you do it?" hmmm, he looks uncomfortable again I stare at him for his troubles, but decide to avoid the dreaded question, by taking the IV out of my arm and pulling back the drab bed sheets to get dressed. "Hey! What do you think you're doing?" I merely turn to him and raise an eyebrow. "Fine... Whatever." That's a first. Him running away and all.The door slams loudly as I bend over to pull on my discarded clothes.


	4. Squally Poo

Chapter 4: Squally-Poo

[none]

"Why won't he talk to me?" Seifer, Quistis, Rinoa and Zell were seated around one of the many tables in the cafeteria. Seifer at the moment was trying to keep his voice down, so as not to draw any attention.

"I'm sure he will when he is ready. There must be an explanation behind it. And until then we should try to make him as comfortable as possible. I want him to know that he can trust us." Quistis looked directly at Seifer as she completed her statement, "Physically 'making' him talk is not an option. He will when he is ready. Just try to be supportive until then. If not for him then for the rest of us. We don't need him to break down again." Finishing her speech, Quistis leaned back and crossed her arms, waiting for any argument. Hearing none she let out a small sigh.

"I can make him better again! Just you wait!" Rinoa leaped out of her seat, blue duster trailing in her wake as she ran out of the cafeteria. Unfortunately, not hearing the voices of her friends calling her back.

"What the hell! She's the last person he's going to want to see!" Zell exclaimed, not bothering to lower his voice. Jumping out of his chair he raced to catch up with Rinoa. But hearing the lunch lady announce that the hot dogs were finally in, Zell changed directions quickly. Cutting off the people already in line.

"Stupid Chicken-Wuss." Seifer sighed. "But he's right. No way in hell is Squall going to want to see Rinoa of all people. I better go." Getting out of his chair more respectably then the the other two, he bid farewell to Quistis and headed out of the cafeteria.

'I hope Seifer can catch Rinoa before she gets to Squall. God knows what could happen. But I think I'm more worried about what Squall could do to her then what she can do.' Quistis shook her head and continued eating what was left of her salad.

'If anyone can get him out of his funk, I can!' Rinoa raced down the boy's corridor and stood outside of Squall's dorm room. Catching her breath she entered the code to activate the door. 'It's a good thing I watched my Squally when he did this, otherwise he never would have given me his code.' Giggling happily as the door swooshed open, she stepped inside with a flourish. "Squally, I'm here for you!" announcing her presence, she scanned the room but found only immobile objects. 'Where's Squally-poo?' Huffing in annoyance she crossed the room to sit upon the uncomfortable SeeD standard bed.

Two minutes passed, but to Rinoa it felt like hours. And she had forgot what she came here for in the first place. Standing up, she marched out of the dorm and proceeded down the hall. Turning a corner sharply to get to her own dorm, she bumped into a brick wall. Crashing to the floor she looked up to see who had dared to stop the Princess.

"May I ask what the hell you're doing in the guy's wing?" Seifer looked down at the toppled blue mass that was favouring her left arm. The fall was sure to leave a few bruises, but nothing he really cared about. He just hoped that she hadn't seen Squall yet. A high pitched sob interrupted his train of thought, and he looked down to see that Rinoa had tears pouring down her face and a small drop of blood was on her knee.

"You hurt me you meany!" Seifer shook his head and proceeded to step over the blue mass. Knowing that she was going to be down for at least an hour sobbing to who ever would listen, he decided to head to his dorm room to get some well needed rest. Rinoa had obviously been coming back from Squall's dorm, so that meant the he wasn't there. Maybe he was still in the infirmary, or hiding some where to get away from people like Rinoa. Ridding himself of all thoughts, Seifer flopped onto his bed and fell into a troubled sleep.


	5. Made Contact

Chapter 5: Made Contact

[Squall]

Red, orange, yellow and violet combined to paint an age old picture. The morning rays were just sweeping across the land when I woke up. Standing up and massaging the kink out of my neck from sleeping in an awkward position, I took a moment to take in the scenery around me.

Balamb Garden had planted for the night and they had were currently situated over the ocean. Gulls flew above in majestic harmony, the sun's rays bounced off the ocean's calm surface. Anyone else would have found this all to be beautiful and calming, but I just wanted to get out of there.

Taking my usual long strides, I was out of there before the gulls had a chance to even make a noise. I paused as I reached the Training Centre's entrance. Taking a deep breath to compose myself, I pushed open the doors with minimal effort.

[Rinoa]

"Squally!" 'Squally-poo was in the training centre, now why didn't I think of that? I would have found him earlier if it weren't for that meany Seifer! I hope my eyes aren't big and puffy from crying for an hour. I stopped once I realized no one was going to come and check on me though. I cleared my head of all thoughts but Squall and ran over to him with open arms, leaping from the ground (trusting that he would catch me). Only to collide with the hard floor as Squall stepped out of the way.

[Squall]

I shook my head looking at the pitiful mess on the floor. It looked like she had been crying and she was starting up a new bach. Never being good with open displays of emotion, I quickly proceeded down the hall, leaving Rinoa and her sobbing far behind me. Where she belonged.

"Squall!" Why did I even wake up? I sighed as I waited for the hyper active blonde to catch up. "How are you man?" Zell quickly got bored after two seconds of silence and started his daily routine, or what Seifer like to call "swatting flies." Though it came as a surprise to us (not that I showed it) when his fist connected with soft flesh.

"Oh fuck! I'm sorry! You want me to go to the infirmary with you?" I shook my head. I just want to get out of here. Zell's fist had connected with my eye and I just knew a bruise was forming. Not that I care.

"Whatever." This day was quickly turning out to be one of the many he regretted living. At least nothing could get worse then a fucking punch in the face, right?

"Chicken Wuss, Puberty Boy! Fancy seeing you here!" it just got worse

"What did you call me!?" why must Zell keep asking that? He knows what Seifer called him.

"How's my two bestest of buds?" Seifer swung his arms around Zell and my shoulders in a fake gesture of friendship. I shrugged it off, making sure to take three steps back; personal space and all, which is pretty damn big.

"I think I called you Chicken Wuss, or was it Chickie?" Seifer smirked as Zell's face got redder by the second. Putting my hand on Zell's shoulder I pushed down hard enough that he looked back at me, but thankfully stopped his excessive bouncing.

"Tch. Fine." The sound of boots running faded in the distance as Seifer and I were left alone.

"Whatever." I didn't really feel like a fight with the blonde at the moment. I would never show it, but I could barely see out of my left eye due to Zell's little stunt. And I knew I would need to be at full health to fight Seifer. Not sparing him another glance, I continued down the hall. Away from Seifer, away from duties and towards the gates.

[Seifer]

Stupid move on my part, but seeing Zell hit Squall I felt like I should ask him if he was okay. Of course my concern for the brunet didn't really show in my insult upon greeting. Not that the Ice Prince would say anything if it did hurt. Though when he turned to face me I could tell he could barely see out of his left eye. And watching him walk by me like that, not even sparing me a glance really hurt. As much as that punch did I'm sure. But I let him go... I let him run away. Again.


	6. I Failed Again

Chapter 6: I Failed Again

[Squall]

Fuck. Damn snow. I shouldn't be alive right now, I shouldn't be able to feel the cold seeping into my back, the chilling bite of the wind. I just jumped off a four story building, shouldn't I be dead? Of all the things to fail in life, after saving the world I can't even fucking manage to kill myself?!

Cutting didn't work, Seifer fucking found me. And I had come so close too. Poison didn't do dick all, Seifer found me again! Fucking bastard gave me an antidote, or rather, shoved it down my throat since I refused to take it any other way.

Of course I got put into tight security. Bastards following me around wherever I go. Trying to make it look like they just wanted to be my friend. If they really were my friends they'd let me die Goddamit!

Security got lax after awhile, so the first chance I got I climbed to the nearest and tallest building and jumped. Little did I know the snow would cushion my fall.

Instead of dying I ended up with a broken leg and a fucking broken arm. Damnit. Well... it's not like I don't deserve it.

"Squall! Fuck man, what the hell are you doing?" damn. Seifer to the rescue again.

"Oh, just lying here is all."

Seifer continues, either not hearing me or not caring. "I turn my back for one second and you jump of a building?! What the hell is wrong with you?!"

"Don't you ever stop playing knight?" he flinches slightly at the memory, but strides over to check the damage. His emerald eyes widen in surprise when he finally sees me. Damn, must look worse then I feel. No wait, I probably feel worse then I look.

[Seifer]

Oh my fucking God! What the hell was he thinking, jumping like that? First the cutting, then the poison, now this?

My anger subsides as soon as I catch full sight of his body. Blood pools around his leather clad form, seeping into the virgin snow. His right leg was bent at an odd angle, his other leg was mangled and bloody. His breathing was shallow, his chest barely rising. He probably has a few cracked ribs, though I was definitely surprised when he used his good arm (as good as it can be considering how bloody it looked) to turn himself over.

I watch as he holds back a scream of pain and closes his eyes tightly. His breathing was becoming more shallow so I stopped gawking at him and bent down to his level, not caring of the blood and snow seeping into my pant leg. I guess I never do get tired of playing the knight. But Squall needs a knight, no matter what he says.

He's so busy helping other people he never has time to help himself. Instead he resorts to trying to kill himself. I really wish I knew why he was doing this. Though the scars I found on his arms awhile back tell me he's been doing it for awhile now (probably since we were both in school and around thirteen), but he's never tried this hard before. Maybe I should just let him kill himself... No I can't do that. If no one else is going to help him, then it's up to me.


	7. You Think You Can Fly Now?

Chapter 7: You Think you Can Fly Now?

[Seifer]

We were sitting in my room, Squall nestled in the corner of the large window seat. He's been staring outside for twenty minutes now, probably not even seeing anything as he looked to be in deep thought. Like always...

I on the other hand am currently lying comfortably on my sofa, my head resting on my fist and my body turned to face him. After I had found him I had brought him straight here instead of the infirmary. I fixed him up with magic, but he still has some sores on him, I didn't have Full Cures so I could only heal the major injuries before I ran out of Cures.

Okay, this is enough. He's not going to sit there all day and not say a word. He's going to answer some questions first and then he can go back to his internal monologue. That's the main reason why I didn't bring him to the infirmary. But also because he needs someone to watch him and he needs to be comfortable. Well, as comfortable as he can get in my room. But I'm sure it's better then the infirmary. Okay time for question number one.

"Why'd you jump off the roof?" you can never be too blunt, Squall taught me that. "Did you suddenly come up with the idea that you could fly, or were you supposed to end up looking like road kill?" well, at least he's finally looking at me. Man, if I wasn't so use to the many glares of Squall, I'd definitely be shaking in my boots right about now.

"Why'd you bring me here?" ahh, question for a question. Well it's not like I was expecting him to answer me so...

"'Cause I felt like it." Good enough answer I think. Squall snorts but doesn't say anything more. Damn, he's no fun.

"Oookay. Why'd you poison yourself?" Squall looks at me strangely.

"Why do you think? I'm sure the Great Almasy can figure it out." Touchy.

"Well, I'd have to say 'cause ya wanted to kill yourself. But what I want to know was why you seem so intent on doing so?" in all honesty I'm really worried about him. He seems so driven to kill himself and it's sheer luck that I've managed to find him each time. I just wish he would answer me.

"Why do you seem so intent on helping me?" fuck, he's really starting to piss me off.

"Okay, you don't want to talk. Fine. I'm tired so I'm going to crash. The bedroom is the door on your left, I'll be sleeping on the couch. And don't even try escaping at night, I have my ways of getting you back here." Actually I really didn't, but I'm hoping the empty threat will stop him from trying anything. Maybe I should have left him with a broken leg. Then he wouldn't be able to walk. Oh well, I'm not that sadistic.

"Whatever." He turns to look back out the window and ignores me while I place blankets on the couch along with my extra pillow. I take off my clothes, but leave on my boxers due to company. I notice that not all his attention is really on the window anymore, I can see slits of grey-blue looking out from beneath heavy lashes.

"Enjoying the show?" I smirk slightly as a faint blush forms on his cheeks. I settle myself down into the couch and am glad to find it's not too uncomfortable. I take one last look at the brunet and drift off into sleep. Hoping that he'll still be here in the morning.

[Squall]

He looks so peaceful when he's sleeping. Even the light snoring isn't that bad. I turn my head to look back out the window, but I don't really see what's outside since it's so dark. It's actually starting to get pretty boring, just staring like this. I was only doing it when Seifer was awake because I didn't want to look him in the eye. And I definitely didn't want to tell him anything. Maybe someday I will, but I don't think I'm ready right now. Maybe he'll end up tricking me into telling him somehow. Oh well, doesn't matter.

I debate leaving but considering how sore I feel at the moment I don't really feel like walking all the way to my dorm. Or even to the bedroom. I think Seifer purposefully did this, just so I didn't run away on him. Bastard.

I look around the room, or what I can see without craning my head too much. The walls are a dark blue, the carpet looks like it could be the kind where you would sink into it, the couch Seifer was sleeping on was a deep red and looked quite comfortable due to it's over use. He must have had it for a long time.

The room looks a lot better then mine anyway, where the walls are painted a dull grey, the sofa is black and the carpet is a dark green. Looks pretty bad, but it's not like I use it at all. I hardly ever sleep anymore, so what does it matter what my walls look like? Only Seifer would care about stuff like that. What's really weird and oddly sentimental of him is that he has quite a few framed photos on the wide bookcase to my right.

A few pictures show him fishing with Fujin and Rajin, another of the whole gang celebrating his birthday, a few pictures of the dog he use to own (which is actually kinda cute) and surprisingly enough a picture of the whole gang back in the orphanage years. I wonder how he got it. Cid or Edea must have took the photo. A miniature version of Irvine holding a smaller Selphie in bright yellow around the waist, Quistis smiling slightly at Zell who's butt is sticking half up in the air (he probably fell somehow, that or Seifer pushed him) and Seifer with his arm slung over mine. Surprisingly enough I was smiling slightly, but not as much as Seifer who had a broad grin on his face. With his other hand he was giving me a noogy. Messing up my already messy hair. From what I do remember from back then, I know he did that a lot. Just like he pushed Zell over a lot, though we always got a laugh out of it. Even Zell wasn't that much of a cry-baby once he got use to it. Which is actually pretty sad really, but whatever.

It's weird how we were all so innocent and happy back then. Some of us are still happy now, while others... Shaking my head at my useless train of thoughts, I rest my head gently against the cool glass. I take one last look at Seifer, hoping to dream of him. Anything but my usual dreams. Or should I say nightmares.

A trail of blood descends from the wound on my chest, and many more places I'm sure. Groaning, I try to sit up, big mistake there. I yelp as I feel something pop in my efforts.

My skull is suddenly burning as a chunk of my hair is yanked from the roots. I try to focus on my surroundings, but before I can a large hand blurs my vision. My head hits the wooden floor with a sickening crack and I can tell I'm going to have a hard time covering up the forming hand shaped bruise on my cheekbone.

"Who the hell told you you could get up?" if I was capable of doing so, I would have punched this guy a long time ago. But, considering one of my arms are dislocated and the other is sore as hell, I can't really sum up the strength to get up, none-the-lone punch the guy.

"Pathetic slave!" a large steel toed boot slams into my side. I can feel my ribs cave as I hurl more blood than I thought was humanly possible.

Fuck, I can't take this agony anymore. Lifting my head as high as I can, I bring it down swiftly. I welcome the sweet blackness that overtakes my vision and mind.

[Seifer]

I stretch and hear the satisfying 'pop' of my spine, I open my eyes slowly. The ray of the sun bounces of the walls and catches on the brunet's slim form. I sit up quickly. I can't believe he's sleeping there! I'm sure he's sore enough as it is, now he's going to have kinks in his neck from sleeping so awkwardly. Oh well, at least he's sleeping. And by the looks of it dreaming too.

His charcoal lashes flutter against his high cheekbones rapidly, hmm... maybe I should wake him up? I'm startled out of my thoughts when Squall's eyes open with a snap. His pupils are dilated and his breathing is harsh. Shit, he must have been having another nightmare! Why didn't I think of that before, I'm so fucking stupid!

I rush over to him quickly and watch in surprise as his head snaps towards me. He looks like he isn't really seeing me, when suddenly he lets out a ear piercing scream. There's so much agony in that scream that I almost have to fight not to winch as I take him in my arms.

He's tense as hell, but as the minutes drag on his body slowly relaxes in my embrace and his breathing becomes more steady. Hopefully he doesn't dream of that nightmare again. I pick him up and head towards the bedroom. I gently place him on the bed and pull the warm comforter up around him. His pale form clashes against the black background of the king sized bed. I lean over slightly and smooth back his silky hair away from his face. I sigh quietly as I make my way out of the bedroom, I keep the door open just incase he has another nightmare like the last.

I make my way quickly out of my dorm room and locking the door behind me, I go down to the cafeteria to bring back some breakfast for Squall and I.

By the time I make it back to my dorm half an hour has passed. I would have been here quicker if it weren't for Zell and his stupid rambling about hot dogs, or something like that. I finally got rid of him by calling him Chickie and making a run for it before he could start up again. I unlock the door, being as quiet as possible I set the paper bag down on the coffee table. Crossing the room I go to wake Squall up. I know he needs to sleep, but he also needs to eat.

[Squall]

Oh Hyne, not again. I don't need to remember. Please, get out of my head.

The images of blood, chains, flesh and voices slowly fades from my mind as I feel a hand on my shoulder. "Hey Squall, come on wake up. I brought breakfast." Mmmm... breakfast. I am pretty hungry right now. I open my eyes to see the large blonde leaning over the bed, his face looks concerned for some reason. Wait... I hope I didn't talk in my sleep. Wait a minute... how the hell did I get in here? My face must have shown my confusion as Seifer answers my unspoken question.

"I carried you in here when I woke up. Which by the way you should have already been in here sleeping instead of on the window seat." He clicks his tongue quietly. "Come on, go take a shower and come out to eat. The towels are in the bathroom, along with a spare change of clothes. I don't have anything of your's yet so you'll have to make due with the smallest pair of pants, shirt and boxers I have." He smiles slightly and heads out into the living room. Tch. I hate being smaller then him. He always seems to rub it in.

Getting up slowly doesn't stop the head rush I get, but I shake it off and make my way to the bathroom. A shower definitely sounds good right about now. I feel like I haven't showered in three weeks, hopefully what I feel like isn't really true. I use to have a shower every day and I don't remember if I have showered or not. Ugh, whatever.

[Seifer]

Hearing the water running I make my way to the table to take the food out of the bag. Setting it on paper plates I plop down onto the couch and begin eating. Ugh, cafeteria food tastes so disgusting.

[Squall]

Damn, Seifer sure has a lot of hair care products. I choose the strawberry smelling shampoo and conditioner and lather up my hair. The sweet smell soon fills the room and it sooths me somewhat. While letting the shampoo sink into my scalp I wash the rest of my body with a lavender soap bar, I usually just use Dove. The kind with the white and pink stripes. I found it works well. But since the lavender bar is the only thing here I make sure to carefully wash every part of me. I keep my eyes on the turquoise tiles and refuse to look anywhere else.

Rinsing the shampoo off my hair and body, I step out of the shower and search for the towels Seifer was talking about. Ahh, there it is. I grab a large fluffy blue towel and dry my body off, tossing it in the hamper I grab another towel and dry my hair. Tossing that too in the hamper, I grab the blue cotton sweat pants and pull them on over my slightly damp legs. Quickly grabbing the loose navy top, I pull it on and make my way out of the bathroom into the living room where I see Seifer just finishing breakfast.

Plopping myself down into the couch I find that it is quite comfortable. Taking the paper plate that is still full I don't even look at the contents, I just start shoveling. God I was so hungry! When I look back up I find Seifer trying hard not to laugh. I frown slightly, what the hell?

[Seifer]

I can't help it. He looks like a little kid. His thick hair is all puffy and messier then usual, the pants I gave him are incredibly close to falling off. And something tells me he didn't bother wearing my boxers. The shirt is so big that the collar is lying on only one shoulder while the other side shows his pale shoulder. Very bony might I add. Oh well, he won't be like that for long.

Shit, he's looking at me. Oh hyne! He looks like a child that's about to through a tantrum! No longer able to stifle the sounds of laughter, I burst out laughing. Clutching my stomach I feel tears run down my face as I try hard to stop laughing.

[Squall]

Oookay. What the hell is he laughing at? "Have - have you looked at -" he breaks off in mid sentence and goes into another round of laughter. Ugh, shut up. He finally seems to get control of himself as his breathing slows, but there's still a gigantic smile on his lips. "Have you looked at yourself in the mirror?" I shake my head. I don't look in mirrors anymore. "My clothes look like they're about to fall off you. Even the shirt looks like it's going to slip down you!" he chuckles slightly, but thankfully doesn't start laughing out loud again.

So what? It's not my fault Seifer is bigger then me and the only clothes he has that he's grown out of is what I'm wearing and this is as small as it gets. Man, I must be a lot smaller then I thought. Oh well. Doesn't matter. I just hate being made fun of like that. Damn Seifer.

"They're your clothes. Of course they're big you idiot." He just smiles and goes to clean up the mess we made with our food.

"Since when did you clean up after yourself and others?" he smirks slightly.

"Since you started living here." Humph. Smart ass. And who said I was moving in?


	8. Gold Ring

Chapter 8: Gold Ring

[Seifer]

It's been two weeks now. He seems to be getting use to my place. But he still remains silent when I ask what happened. Sometimes he acts as though nothings changed, acting like the same old Ice Prince. But sometimes... when he thinks I'm not looking I see a deep sadness in his eyes. And something else that I would never have associated with him, fear. Fear of what, I don't know. I wish he would tell me, open up to me. I guess he is more open with me than the others, I can give him that. The only times he admits something is wrong is in the dead of night.

While everyone else in the Garden are asleep in their dorms, Squall is tossing and turning, moaning in pain while he sleeps. I always hear him now since I moved the couch into the bedroom. I didn't want to sleep in the same bed with him for many reasons. The major being that he really moved in his sleep. So every time he's reliving something (that I still don't know about) I crawl onto the bed, pull him up slightly and sit behind him. With his head resting on my chest I circle my arms around his frail body. The tremors usually stop then. Sometimes he wakes up with tears rushing down his face, I tighten my hold when he turns around and buries his head in my shoulder.

And at the present the same thing is occurring (as it does almost every night). His body is shaking in my embrace and I can hear his quiet gasps as he tries to take in enough air. I rub his back soothingly and try to shelter him from the outside world. His knees are curled up and he's turned his face so that his left cheek is resting against my bare chest. His arms wrap around my waist and I feel his breathing return to normal. I try not to shiver at the sensation of his heated breath caressing my nipple. My breath hitches when he raises his right arm and flicks the gold ring that I have there. "When did you get this?" his voice is quiet and harsh from disuse.

"Awhile ago. I think around the time I returned to Garden."

"Oh." I wish he would stop flicking it, the cold metal and rush of his warm breath together is making my nipple firm, among other things. I place my hand over his and stop him from making me harder. Luckily my member isn't hard enough that he'll feel it, I don't want to scare him. "Try to go to sleep."

He sighs lightly and nuzzles further into my embrace. He's fast asleep within minutes. I wrap both arms around him again and rest my head against his silky smooth hair. I fall asleep quickly with the smell of strawberries to comfort me.

[Squall]

My thoughts are jumbled as they usually are in the first minutes of waking. For some reason I don't clearly remember what I had been dreaming about, but I know it wasn't what I usually dream of. As my other senses slowly come back to me I finally register the feeling of warmth enclosed around me. Usually I wake up shivering from the cold, even if it is hot. But this time... I raise my head slightly and gasp when I find myself looking straight into a pair of jade green eyes.

Seifer smiles slightly, finding me awake he squeezes me gently and pushes me up so he can get out of bed. I allow him to push me forward and I collapse back on the bed when his support leaves me. He chuckles quietly and heads to the bathroom, closing the door behind him and I'm left alone with my thoughts. And trust me, that is not a good thing.

[Seifer]

After flushing the toilet I turned on the taps to the shower. Setting the nozzle to a light spray I took the rest of my clothes off and stepped into the shower. Sighing quietly as the water soothed my aching muscles, I reached for the lavender bar and lathered it all over my body. Stepping back under the spray I let the water wash away the suds and dampen my hair before stepping back again and grabbing my favourite bottle of shampoo (Pears in lavender) and put a small amount into my hands.

Lathering it up until the soap was so thick that some of it ran down my tanned arms, I massaged it into my scalp. Stepping back under the nozzle I closed my eyes as the shampoo ran down my body to travel down the drain. As I stood there relaxing under the light spray, my thoughts traveled back to the brunet; of what it felt like to have his cold arms wrapped around my waist, his warm breath flicking against my nipple. Lost in thoughts of the gorgeous brunet my hand unconsciously traveled south to grip my erect and glistening member.

Sighing softly I leaned back against the tiled wall and gave in to the feelings of lust. Knowing I couldn't take it out on Squall I had to do it sometime. And going without two weeks... well, it's enough to make a man go crazy. It's not like I can just masturbate in front of Squall, especially with images of him in various intimate positions in my mind.

[NC17 Content removed. Check out my bio for various websites to get the complete version]

My hands drop to my sides, a sudden wave of guilt comes over me. I really shouldn't have done that. Not while thinking of Squall. Shaking my head in shame, I aim the now-cold spray onto the come that still clings to the wall. Watching it go down the drain like everything else in my life, I quickly shut off the water and dry myself off with fluffy burgundy towel hanging on the rack. Tying it around my waist, I head out into my bedroom to get dressed.

[Squall]

Tensing in surprise I find myself in a strong embrace. What the hell? No... no! Not again! Don't touch me! Please...

[Seifer]

The first thing I saw when I stepped out of the bathroom was Squall withering on the bed in pain and silent tears streaming down his face. Without thinking I walked over quickly and tried to stop his convulsing by wrapping my arms around him. I feel Squall tense sharply as he goes completely still, then all of a sudden he violently tries to get out of my grip. I tighten my grip to the point that I think it's going to leave bruises and turn him around to face me. He's still crying and his eyes look cloudy, like they're not really seeing anything.

Hesitating for only a second, I loosen my hold slightly and slap Squall across the face harshly. I watch as a large red welt appears on his right cheek. He blinks. And with a shudder that goes all the way through him Squall sobs loudly and collapses against me. I enclose him in my arms protectively and rest my cheek against his head.

After awhile I feel his body relax against me. I loosen my hold slightly. His breath on my neck is slow and even, I maneuver us so were both comfortably on the bed and I feel my eyes slowly close, suddenly I feel very exhausted.

[Squall]

A low chuckle announces his presence. Horrifying red eyes stare into my own. His long unnatural green hair is tied loosely in a braid. The man's favored duster is lying forgotten on the cement floor. Long pale fingers caress my jaw line, I try to pull back but find no strength for the movement. Instead I must submit to his pleasure, like I almost always do. It'll only be more painful if I don't. At least that's what he keeps telling me.

He kneels down in front of my naked and vulnerable spread body, his head just meets my navel. The man moves his head forward and a pink tongue snakes out to dance around my navel. I shiver in disgust. He puts his large hands on my slim waist to hold me steady, his head bends down more and his tongue continues on its journey south. My (unfortunately) erect member is engulfed in his wet mouth. I try hard not to let the tears come. Tears of shame.

I scream in pain when the man bites down rather hard on my cock. The sadistic bastard is lapping up the blood and precome. My organ soon goes flaccid and the man once again leaves a trail of saliva back up to my chest and he begins to devour a nipple. And I mean devour in every sense of the word. He's gnawing viciously away at it and yet I still manage to keep back the screams of pain.

The sadistic bastard steps back to admire his handy work. I try to keep a calm expression at his scrutiny. Hopefully this is enough to satisfy him today. I've lost quite a bit of blood and am feeling quite woozy.

His gleaming red eyes travel up and down my body, finally landing on my face. Our eyes connect, he smirks and nods his head satisfactorily. The next moment I blink he is gone. I sigh in content at finally being left alone, no matter how much pain I am in, and soon go to sleep. Haunted with nightmares and memories it's not going to be a pleasant one, but I need all the sleep I can get.

[Seifer]

Damn, he's doing it again. Please tell me what's wrong Squall. The brunet is crying silently and his body is shivering. I shake him awake gently and am glad to see his dark grey eyes peak out at me from beneath long black lashes. He opens his mouth in a yawn and tries to sit up. I let my arms fall to my sides but watch him cautiously as he sits up on the mattress.

[Squall]

Maybe I should tell him. Maybe if I were to share this with someone the memories will finally be put to rest. I look back at Seifer and my heart is warmed to see how concerned his jade green eyes look. Maybe...

[Seifer]

I watch in silence as Squall contemplates me. His grey eyes go cloudy for a second as he goes into 'Internal Dialogue Mode'. Snapping out of it, he stares me in the eyes and opens his mouth slightly. I try not to make a sound as he tries to piece together his thoughts. Seeing the slightly frightened look in his eyes I reach over and squeeze his hand. Squall's grey eyes go lighter and he begins the tale that I have been waiting to hear. It's a little confusing, but seeing as it's Squall he's never been very good at telling people what is wrong with him.

"I know your wondering why I tried to kill myself... numerous times." I nod slightly. "Well.. it's really difficult for me to talk about, but I'm going to try. It might not make sense, and if you don't understand anything just ask." I nod again.

"It started two years ago. I was walking back from yet another mission, it was a nice night so I had decided to walk back to Garden instead of taking a car. I was walking down the sidewalk when all of a sudden a guy jumps out of a vehicle and snatches me. I know I should have been paying attention to my surroundings, but it had been a pretty stressful mission and I was so tired that nothing was really getting through to me as fast. Anyway... I was quickly bound and gagged as the man jumped back in the car with me in the passenger seat and he drove down the road like a maniac. I don't remember where he went as I had promptly passed out when he started the car again.

"When I woke up again... I was bound to a steel formation that looked like a star. Or, I was spread out like one. I was completely naked except for my Griever necklace. A tall man with unnatural long green hair, a silver duster and piercing red eyes was standing in front of me. I didn't know where I was, I didn't remember (at the time) how I got there and I sure as hell didn't know who this man standing in front of me was. But I tried not to show how scared I was.

"'So Leonhart, we meet again.' I'm pretty sure my mind was rampaging by then, trying to remember where I had seen this guy before. 'You probably don't know me, but I was in that building that you destroyed for your little SeeD mission.' I did remember vaguely about a specific order for me to torch the building, since the enemies troops were in there. I didn't want to of course, I hate killing people who don't have a fair chance. But an order was an order. And you know how I am with those." I nodded, I definitely did. He didn't even go against my orders all those years ago when I ordered him to do something that could have cost him his SeeD career, luckily it didn't. Instead he was promoted to a higher rank for following orders.

"The man was pacing in front of me angrily as he continued to rant. 'You killed all of my friends and family. All for just a fucking order! How could you?! Those people didn't even have a chance of fighting back!' I had tried to tell him that I had never wanted to do it in the first place, but his hand was quickly placed over my mouth before I got anything out. 'No, I don't think so. The only sounds you're going to be making here is pleading, screaming, moaning and crying. Anything else I will not tolerate. But I would prefer it if you screamed. Or any noise of discomfort will do fine. One night will not make up for all the lives you killed so I'm going to be keeping you for awhile.'

"I was in complete distress by then, but I knew there was no room for argument. He was the one with power at the moment. And what really tormented me was to see my gunblade resting in the back corner along with a few other skeletons. The blade was dull and I wondered how long I had been out. Or what he had used it on. I wanted to kill him right there and then for touching my gunblade." I inwardly smirked, I knew how much Squall cared for his gunblade. He wouldn't let anyone else touch it and the only person who managed to touch it was me. I have the scar to prove it. Very visible might I add.

"I don't know how this man had got his collection, but every torture device you could think up and more was in this cold cement room. Various size whips hung on one wall, different kinds of cuffs lay on the floor. The one that had stood out to me the most was the one with miniature spikes all the way around inside it. I wore them once, very painful." I shook my head sadly and discreetly glancing at his wrist, I could see the miniature scars that would be the cause of such a thing.

"There were many more types of torture devices, but I don't really want to go into too much detail about all the things he had and used on me.

"Some days he had a small group that seemed to work there come and fondle me. They didn't use any of his 'toys,' but their fingers were enough to frighten me. With how pale my skin was the bruises showed up easily. And the green haired man was pleased to see this. From the day he discovered that my bruises showed up well he had begun to use his other devices, an example would be that fucking spiked paddle he had. I don't know why anyone would make such a thing. Or maybe he had made it himself." I shudder in disgust as rapid images of this man doing these things to Squall went through my mind. I couldn't stand to see him in pain. And I knew it was hurting him even more to tell me all this. But I know he had to tell someone and it's not like anyone else is going to listen to him. Or believe him. They'll probably just think he's delusional.

"Do you know how much blood one can lose before they pass out? Do you know that you have more then one layer of skin? Do you know the most pain sensitive parts of your body are?" I shook my head to all three questions, but decided not to say anything.

"Good. And you should never have to know. Anyway... I'm not going to go into detail, but I'm sure your imagination can fill in the blanks to what exactly he did with those toys of his. I try to forget it all, but it always seems to come back to haunt me in my dreams. That's why I've been trying to kill myself. Unfortunately you've always seemed to be there to save me. Though should I expect anything less of the white knight?" I try to smirk, but it probably comes out half ass. My imagination is sure filling in the blanks though. Very vividly might I add. I think I might even end up having nightmares about Squall's experience.

"So how come you never talked to anyone else about this?" I couldn't help myself, I had to ask.

"Because I don't trust anyone else not to tell someone." Wow... Squall really does trust me. I'll make damn well sure not to break that trust either. Trust is a hard thing to come by when you're talking about Squall Leonhart. The only other person I believe he has trusted with all his heart is Ellone and maybe Matron. But things have really changed since then. Squall hasn't trusted anyone else since Matron died and Ellone left.

"Well you can trust the white knight!" he smirked slightly and his eyes went a shade lighter, grayish blue.

"Of course Seifer. Of course."


	9. Runaway Lion

Chapter 9: Runaway Lion

[Seifer]

"Well, we've been here for an awful long time and I think it's time for some civilization." I really hope he's ready for this, but we have to get out of this room sometime.

"Whatever." Already expecting that answer, I watch him closely and find that he does want to go out but he's scared too. I place my hand on his shoulder and squeeze gently.

"If you don't want to, we don't have to go out." The brunet brings his head up to look me in the eye.

"Let's go." I smirk slightly and rush to pull on some decent looking clothes before he can change his mind.

By the time I turn to face him, dressed neatly in faded blue jeans and a forest green sweatshirt, I find him already dressed in loose fitting black jeans and a grey sweatshirt. It's still talking some time to get used to seeing him look so casual. I didn't even know he had clothes other then his usual leather attire. Looks good on him though. He actually looks like his age, even if he does looks incredibly sexy in leather, it's still good every now and then to see him with faded jeans and a baggy sweatshirt.

"What are you waiting for?" my eyes snap back to meet his, surprised at finding a slight rose tinge on his high cheek bones, I never thought he'd be the blushing type. Definitely looks good on him though, I'll have to try bringing it out in the near future. Holding back a smirk, I make my way to the door where Squall is waiting.

[Squall]

It's been so long since I've stepped a foot outside Seifer's dorm that I almost forgot what the rest of the Garden looked like. And exactly how many people crowd the hall ways. I stumble slightly when a short blonde girl pushes past me, I feel a muscular arm snake it's way around my shoulders and I smile in relief when Seifer pulls me close. It's sad how I can get jostled from some short girl when I use to be a brick wall. Oh well, I guess times change. I relax slightly with the heat of Seifer's body radiates through me and his protective arm warm and snug around my shoulders.

[Seifer]

I pull him closer to my side to avoid any more pushovers. It's kind of sad how someone as small as that can push him over, when I first met him and ran into him he barely moved. I'm hoping to bring that strength back and the self confidence as well. He use to stride through Garden, you had to have really long legs to keep pace with his fast strides. Though looking back on it he probably did that for a reason. Oh well, it's time to fill him up on good old cafeteria food and to reacquaint him with the orphanage gang. I'm hoping he can handle it. Boy do I hope. I think it won't take much to make him attempt again. And I can't afford to lose him.

[Squall]

When we walk into the large cafeteria I almost break into a run, trying to escape, but Seifer's arm tightens around me and stops me from moving anywhere but forward.

{Seifer]

I wish I didn't feel like I was forcing him into this, but if it was up to him he'd never leave the room. No wait... if it was up to him he'd be dead. He has to face them sometime though. He can't close himself off from the rest of the Garden just because he feels safer (at least I think he does) with me in my dorm.

Glancing around the room I finally find the orphanage gang plus Rinoa sitting around a large table in the back corner. Walking as quickly as possible with Squall stumbling beside me, I make my way over to the table. Grabbing the two empty seats I set Squall in one while I plop myself down in the seat next to his.

"Squall!" Selphie squeals loudly, attracting the attention of everyone in the cafeteria. The rest of the group continue talking loudly, saying how much they miss him and catching him up on the Garden's gossip. Oddly enough Rinoa was the only one not smiling or chattering happily.

"So why did you do it?" the whole table goes quiet as the question they've all been thinking, but were to afraid to mention, is asked. Rinoa stares intently into Squall's grey eyes. "Were you bored? Did you hate being a virgin so much that you thought you couldn't go on anymore? Did you feel like revenge for the way people have treated you? Or are you so selfish that you thought you would die and leave all your friends? Sometimes you can be such a cold hearted bastard Squall."

Everyone's eyes widen as Rinoa finishes her little speech. I look worriedly at Squall, trying to gauze his reaction to the black haired girl. His jaw is tense, along with the rest of his body. His eyes are a dark grey, shimmering slightly. Everyone at the table thinks it's anger, but I know better. I've seen that look before. And judging by the way his Adams apple is bobbing up and down and how hard he's breathing he's trying not to cry. I place a hand on his shoulder, trying to comfort him. He jerks away from me and stands up quickly, his chair sliding across the floor. Everyone in the cafeteria is waiting for Squall's response, with Rinoa saying it so loud even the people at the other end of the room heard it. And no one else knew that Squall had tried to kill himself, until now that is.

Shaking his head slowly, Squall turns to face the rest of the cafeteria. Finding all eyes on him he gasps quietly and breaks into a run. Watching the grey sweatshirt billow behind him as he turns the corner I'm stunned to the spot. I can't believe Rinoa would do such a thing! Squall hates being called cold and heartless. He knows he's not and it hurts him when people call him Shiva's bitch. After I found that out I immediately stopped calling him that. It's my fault the nickname was spread. Oh well, the past can't be changed. Feeling an elbow in the side, I turn to find Zell sitting beside me, his eyes locked on mine. "Go after him," his words jostle me from my jumbled thoughts. Nodding in thanks, I break into a run and try to find the run away Lion.


	10. Reliving it Day In and Day Out

Author Notes: I did do a tiny bit of research on the whole blood transfer thingy. O blood types can give any of the other blood types their blood, but they can only receive O type blood. AB blood types can receive from anyone. And I didn't bother looking up the other's blood types.

* * *

Chapter 10: Reliving it Day in and Day out

[Squall]

This is it. I'm going to die. Nothing can stop me now, it's too late. The dark blood is pooling around me. My vision is starting to blur. The knife is lying next to me, dark red decorating the end of the blade. Blood is seeping from my stomach, thighs and arms. Large angry slashes decorate my limbs.

Almost everything Rinoa said was true and I deserved it. I am Shiva's Bitch, I don't feel for others and I'm selfish. I'm killing myself to get away from the darkness, the memories, but I'm also leaving behind the orphanage gang. The people who have been with me since I was five. But I'm not a virgin. Far from it. I've been defiled in ways most people can't even imagine.

Oh well, it's not like I'm going to share the fact with them. Hopefully Seifer doesn't either. He doesn't know everything I've been through and I'm sure he can't imagine the pain, humiliation and suffering I went through. I don't think he's ever really experienced it. Sure he did suffer at the hands of Ultimacia, but I know she didn't put him through anything like that. He told me all about his experience with the witch and how she controlled him and made him kill woman and children; innocent people. I think he's even raped a few of the woman too. But he's never been raped, he's never raped someone so innocent they don't even know what sex is, or how people can be that cruel. And that's even harder.

I was forced to rape a few boys while I was being held prisoner to them. Some were so young they hadn't even knew what was going on around them. I didn't want to do it.. I really didn't. But if I hadn't, then one of the other men would have just ended up doing it and being more brutal about it. At least I tried to make it as gentle as possible, whispering words of comfort in their ears while I thrust into them. Some wept, while others were old enough to smile and appreciate the tenderness I was showing them for their first time.

Luckily none of them stayed very long and were sent back home. I didn't want them to be put through the favourite form of sex from some of the adults who work under the green haired man's command. I really think little kids aren't ready to see the ways of some of the world. SM is taking it a little too far for their young minds. No... only I get the honor of knowing and experiencing. I only belonged to the green haired man, anyone else who touched me would pay a price. Unless of course he was standing off to the side while his men fucked me physically and emotionally, while they used their little toys on me. God did it hurt.

But now it ends. I'm sick of reliving the memories. It's like being raped again and again, only the pain more intensifying. So I'm putting an end to those memories. I'm putting an end to it all.

My vision is fading to darkness... just like my mind has done so many years ago.

[Seifer]

I know my time is limited. It doesn't take very long to kill yourself. And I know for a fact Squall's doing just that. I just wish I knew where he was! Fuck! I've been everywhere. Okay... calm down. If I was a crying, suicide attempting brunet, where would I be that no one would think to look? The bathrooms! That's the only place I haven't checked. And plenty of guys go there to escape their girlfriends.

My energy renewed, I break into a run towards the closest men's bathroom. I reach it in no time and I rush in, the metal door slamming against the wall in my haste. My eyes search every corner until I find a hint of black at the end stall. Jogging over I open the door carefully, my eyes widen in shock and I push down the urge to vomit.

He's lying there. Blood, so dark it's almost black, pooling around him, large slashes made by the incredibly sharp knife beside him covers his stomach, forearms and thighs. My vision blurs slightly with tears, rubbing my eyes fiercely I try to blank out all unimportant thoughts from my mind.

My knees soon get covered in his blood when I kneel down beside him. Breathing hard I place two fingers to his neck, finding a faint pulse I let out the breath I didn't know I was holding. Moving slightly I put one arm under his knees and the other behind his back, picking him up with ease I all but run to the Infirmary.

[Squall]

Smooth flesh beneath me, big blue eyes holding so much innocence. He tilts his head and asks what I am doing. He wonders why I am taking off his pants.

[NC17 Content removed. Check my bio to see the sites where you can read the full version]

His bright blue eyes go teary. I bend over slightly and nip his ear gently. Whispering that I have to do this, it will hurt but I'll try to lessen it. Please don't cry. He shakes his head, short red hair flowing back and forth with the movement. I shake my own head sadly.

My hand moves, he cries out. I place butterfly kisses along his baby smooth chest, traveling down to his near hairless groin. I steel myself and try to give the child what's left of my own strength.

[NC17 Content removed]

Looking the boy in the eye I have to hold back a sob. His blue eyes are no longer bright baby blue, instead they hold a certain darkness to them. A darkness as deep as the one I bare now. I try to beg with my eyes to let him forgive me for what I am about to do next. He seems to pierce my soul with his hard gaze and he nods slightly. I sigh in relief, but know it won't be enough for my sin.

[NC17 Content removed]

I try to stand up but find my knees won't corporate. The little boy sobs quietly and stands up. Looking at me for a second he holds out a hand and giving him a small smile I take it and stand up shakily.

We both squeeze gently and the boy is soon pulled from my grip and carried off to the cells to get dressed and sent home. I shake my head at the thought of him going back to his mother and father, the look on their faces when they find the semen inside him and the blood around his thighs.

I'm pulled back roughly and the green haired man pulls me towards his bedroom. I quickly match his strides and with my free hand I erase any evidence of tears from my pale face.

[Seifer]

Dr. Kadowaki says he might not make it. He's lost too much blood. Everyone else is here except for Rinoa of course. I'm getting some kind of test done to see how healthy my blood is. I know I'm type O and I can give it to anyone, Squall's AB blood type can receive from anyone. The others wanted to get tested so they can try giving Squall their blood but I said no. If anyone is going to do it, it's going to be me.

I've been lying on the hospital bed for half an hour now, Dr. Kadowaki is almost done with the testing. I haven't taken my eyes off Squall once, he's only a few feet away from me. He looks even paler now, especially with the sterilized colours in here. I hope everything turns out okay. I don't want him to die. At least if--when he wakes up he can feel proud about coming this close to death. Stupid bastard probably will...

"Everything looks fine." I give a start as the doctor comes into the small room. Her crisp white lab coat swishes around her legs as she walks over. "Flex your arm for me." I smirk slightly and do as told. She ties a white band around my arm and carefully places the large needle in one of my veins and we wait for a minute as the medium size plastic bag slowly fills up with my blood. Pulling the needle out she dabs the hole with cotton and places a piece of tape over it while untying the white band.

Walking over to Squall's bed she hooks the bag up to something I think is called an IV, I don't know I didn't really pay attention when she was explaining things to me. I was only thinking about Squall. "He should be fine in the morning. He'll probably still be pale, but he should go back to his usual complexion in a day or so."

"Doc, he is pale." She narrows her eyes at me and choosing not to comment she walks briskly out of the room.

Looking over at Squall again I suddenly feel tired. Shutting my eyes, the last thing I see is Squall's pale form.


	11. The End, and the Beginning of Something ...

Chapter 11: The End and the Beginning of Something More

[Squall]

Blood pours down my thighs. It oozes out of the large gashes on my back and chest. The only sounds in the room echo throughout the large uncarpeted bedroom. Torture chamber is more like it.

I'm lying on a cross of all things. Sharp cracks of a whip can be heard meeting flesh. Blood splatters against the closest wall and to the cold cement floor. Blood drips down the wooden cross and pools onto the concrete. Sharp splinters dig into my chest and legs when ever I struggle against the bonds. The spikes lining the metal cuffs dig into my fragile wrists. My lips are painted a a deep red from biting back screams. The man above me mocks me with every whip crack, he tells me that everyone I know has abandoned me, everyone I've loved has left me. I believe him. I believe him with every drop of blood that continues to ooze out of my abused flesh.

"Squall." He only calls me by my name when he wants me to do something even more degrading. "Squall!" oh shut up, just stop talking. "Leonhart, get up now! You're going to bring yourself out of this and you're going to do it now!" my mind is a blank as I try not to cry from the pain inflicted on my back and mind. It's not his voice, it can't be. It's always in my head. Always there, always taunting. Can't he just leave me alone, does he have to haunt me in my dreams too? He's always pulled me out of it before, but I don't think it's going to work now. It can't be him for real. He's not real. The man said so, I believe him.

I can hear a quiet whimper in the back of my mind. What the hell? "Please... Squall. You gotta get up. The doctor said you won't live unless you wake up now. So please... wake up. Please Squall." The blackness lifts. My eyes slide open slightly, I'm blinded by a head of blonde.

[Seifer]

"Your hair is blinding me, shut it off." I chuckle slightly, tears escape my eyes at seeing him awake. I don't hesitate in pulling him into a bone crushing hug. He grunts quietly, but I feel him smile against me.

"Hey, I don't think he's up to your bear hugs just yet Seifer. He did almost die after all. Why don't you give him a rest."

"Yeah, can't you keep your hands off him for more than five seconds?" I let Squall go, gently settling him back against the headboard. Turning around I find Zell and Quistis standing in the doorway, smiling.

"His vitals are fine, Dr. Kadowaki said he's good enough to go." We all smile and look at Squall. Seeing the bandages my face turns serious again.

"That's excellent news. But could you guys leave us for a few minutes?" Zell and Quistis share a knowing look and exit the room. Turning back to face the brunet, I sit on the bed and place my hand in his.

"Squall, you can't do this anymore. Can't you just wait until your time comes instead of tempting fate?" Squall's eyes refuse to meet mine. His chestnut strands cover half of his face from my view.

"You don't get it. I can't live with my memories. I can't live with what I did." I squeeze his hand gently and with my left hand I tuck his hair behind his ear, leaving his face free of a shield.

"I don't think you told me enough. I think you're going to need to tell me everything for me to understand." Squall looks up at me, bright storm blue eyes glisten with tears.

"You don't get it! I can't tell you. I can't..." I see the pain in his eyes and I really do think it's not possible for him to tell me. Maybe he could show me?

"Squall what would you say to showing me?" he looks at me strangely and I elaborate "You know how Ellone can take people into someone else's past and watch the events that take place?" he nods slightly "Maybe we could have Ellone take me into your memories so I can actually see and understand what you went through." His eyes widen in fear

"But Ellone... she'll know." Anticipating this answer I continue on

"If you don't want her to know then there are spells that we have that can make her forget what she saw." The brunet nods slowly

"I don't want her pity and I don't want her to know. You can go ahead and do it, but you have to promise not to tell anyone else." I smile slightly

"I promise. And you also have to promise not to try to kill yourself in the future. Plus if you did kill yourself, it be like killing me." He looks at me quizzically "You share some of my blood now Squally. So no matter what you do I'll always be there for you, in you, whether you like it or not."

His bright blues eyes twinkle and crease at the corners, the next thing I know Squall Leonhart is laughing. I thought he was beautiful before, but he's gorgeous when he laughs. And the way his eyes change to a bright blue that compliments him so perfectly... it's truly a beautiful sight.

Not bothering to think about the consequences, I lean over slightly and cover his mouth with mine. He stiffens underneath me, but soon relaxes and a lets out a slight moan against my lips. There's no words to describe the emotions that I feel coursing through me.

[Squall]

That's the first time I've laughed in years. And that's the first time I've been kissed and have actually wanted it. Seifer's lips on mine at first reminded me off all those other times. But feeling the softness and pleasant feeling of his tongue gently coaxing my mouth open, it's different from all the others. I really want this, I've wanted it ever since I first saw him. I didn't know it then of course, I just thought the feelings I was experiencing were hate. How wrong I was.

Opening my mouth to Seifer's probing tongue, I gently meet it with my own. We both moan at the meeting and the feelings that come with it. I feel my groin tingle slightly and feeling the hardness in my thigh I moan again at knowing the feelings are definitely returned. Wrapping my arms around Seifer, I grant permission for the other man to know me inside and out. I open myself completely for him and I know things won't always be perfect between us, but I'm willing to risk it for the feelings he gives me and the love I get to experience for the first time in my life.

* * *

A/N: It's done, it's finally finished! I left it like this since you probably already know everything that happened to Squall and I'm sure you can use your imagination for the rest.

Hopefully at least some of you have noticed that in some of the chapters Squall's eyes change colour. In the beginning they almost start off as grey. When Seifer helps him and he starts getting happier they turn a stormy grey. At the beginning of this chapter they were stormy blue, or dark blue. And of course at the end they're bright blue. Though I don't think anyone noticed that... oh well. I tried putting the little details in here so I hope they don't all go to waste.

Anyway, I definitely had fun writing this and I may even continue a sequel that takes place years later. Though it might just end up being a PWP. Though I can't do those very well, I always seem to have some kind of plot behind it and this would be my second completed multi-chapter fic Yay me!


	12. The Memories Will Always be There Epilo...

Edit (8/26/04):

Most of this epilogue is NC17 content. Since I'm not going to force myself to change my writing to fit the R handcuffs, I'll be putting a note wherever the content is missing. You can go to my bio to see what sites host the complete version.

* * *

The Memories will Always be There

Epilogue

[Seifer]

It's been several years now. But I don't think any length of time is going to completely erase Squall's memories. Every now and then his eyes will get cloudy and he'll start trembling. It makes me sad that the only thing I can do for him is to wrap him up in my arms. The only embrace he's felt that hasn't led to heartbreak and pain. But he told me once that it did help him, so if that's the only thing I can do for him then I'm going to make sure I do a hell of a job.

But he's not the only one that sometimes has nightmares. After I witnessed all of Squall's memories I had plenty of them. And I finally understood why he tried to kill himself numerous times. Hell, I wanted to kill myself after witnessing all that. And I didn't even do anything! The shit I did while I was the sorceress' knight was nothing compared to what Squall was forced to do. I never got raped and I certainly never raped any kids. But now I don't have to imagine what Squall went through. When Ellone took us back into his memories I felt what he was feeling, I knew what he was thinking and I witnessed everything that went on around him, when his eyes weren't closed from the pain that is.

Squall's progress is going well. His pale complexion is back to its original state - pale (as I already told Dr. Kadowaki). I make sure he eats every day. At first it was small portions, to get him used to it and to make sure it stayed down. And due to my care, the brunet was back to his original, lean and muscular body in several weeks. The bags that used to permanently have residence under his eyes have long since faded after he spent several nights in my arms.

All in all, a very healthy recovery. Even the sex isn't as hesitant as it used to be several years ago, when the memories were still fresh in Squall's mind. The only problem is; Squall still refuses to make love to me. He can do everything else, but he can never summing up the courage to do this. Of all the memories that Squall has, the worse will always be the times he raped those little boys.

I understand his fears though, since I did witness the events that took place. But I have to make Squall get over them. Making love to me isn't that same as raping little boys. Especially since it was technically rape on both sides. Squall didn't want to do it, he was forced to. Just like those kids. And I have to make him see that.

"What are you doing?" I jump slightly at the unexpected voice. Squall wasn't supposed to be back for several hours. Some kind of mission or something. Lowering my gaze from the uninteresting ceiling, I'm met with the sultry vision of my leather clad boyfriend leaning up against the door frame to our bedroom. I raise an eyebrow at the sock less feet, but eventually my gaze meets his after I check out his lean body.

"I was just thinking." Squall's lips curve in a smirk. Tch, he probably copied that from me. We seem to have picked up on each other's habits. I now brood more then I used to. Of course Squall loves to tease me about it.

"Don't hurt yourself now." See? Chuckling slightly, I raise myself to recline back on my elbows. I curve a finger in Squall's direction, beckoning him to come closer. Hips swaying, the brunet complies. Hyne... he is a vision that makes wet dreams pale in comparison.

"How come you're back early?" Squall lets out a grunt when I tug him down. He shifts until his slim frame is resting over my larger one and crosses his arms over my chest to rest his chin on the joining of his arms. He looks up from beneath his long lashes, while I'm forced to bend my head at a most uncomfortable angle.

"We finished off the monsters early. The others in my squad wanted to go out for drinks."

"Obviously you didn't go?"

"Nope. If I did, I wouldn't be here with you." Squall smiles shyly. I don't think I'll ever get used to how beautiful he looks when he does that.

"Aww, I'm touched."

Grinning, I pick up Squall and move so that the brunet is straddling my lean stomach. Curving my hands up his body to finally rest on his smooth cheeks (I swear, the man never shaves! Lucky bastard), I pull him down and find my lips curving in a smile of their own to match the small one that rests on Squall's.

"I take it your glad to see me?" he mumbles against my moist lips.

"Definitely. I wanted to try something new." Squall pulls back slightly, tilting his head. I smirk when I see the confusion and slight suspicion in his eyes. I know he isn't really going to like what I have planned and I don't want to push him, but he has to overcome the last of his fears. And I'm going to help him with that.

Since Squall did all the work when he took those kids, I decided that he would be most comfortable if I did all the work. He'll just lie back and enjoy it. Hopefully that will ease him into the whole idea better. I don't want to scare him... but I really want to know what it feels like. The only other people I've slept with are women, so obviously I've never been taken before. So it's a new experience for me also. And I want Squall to be my first.

Pulling the brunet closer to me, I roll us over so I'm on top. I sit comfortably on Squall's groin and cocking my head, smiling mischievously at the man beneath me.

"Can you hand me the lube?" while he follows the request I set to work on pulling down my shorts while still trying to sit on him. Finally getting it past my feet I toss it onto the floor. Squall finally gets the lube and raises an eyebrow at suddenly seeing me naked on top of him.

"Planning this were we?"

"Yep." I grin. Grabbing the lube from him I set it aside while I try to pull the black muscle tee off the brunet. He raises his arms obediently, lean muscles clenching underneath my finger tips. Shifting back to rest between his legs, I pull off the tight leather pants. Sometimes it can be bothersome to have a boyfriend who wears such tight clothes, but I guess it's definitely worth the results.

I sigh when I finally manage to get Squall naked. Pale skin quivering over hard earned muscles, a faint flush high up on his cheekbones, moist lips parted to allow hard pants... [NC17 Content removed]. Hyne he's gorgeous.

He spreads his thighs wantonly and places pianist like fingers on top of his leaking member. "Please... Seifer." I know he wants me to take hi,. but I can't. I have a mission and I'm set on completing it. Maybe I'll just take the edge of a bit...

[NC17 Content removed]

"Wow." I chuckle at his exclamation.

"All that and all I get is a 'wow'?" he smiles slightly and meets my gaze.

"Amazing, brilliant and incredible!" we both laugh. Cushioning my head against the crook of his neck I start to lap at his pulse point like a large kitten.

"Seifer! I can't get it up again!" grinning, I continue my ministrations, pausing only to purr in his ear,

"Of course your can Squall. You're young, you can get hard again in less than five minutes. And until then I'll enjoy teasing you and preparing you for what I have planned." Squall frowns when I bring up my 'surprise' again. I can tell he really wants to know what it is, but he knows me enough by now that I'll just continue teasing him until I'm ready to tell him.

[Squall]

I don't know what the hell Seifer has planned and I'm not sure if I'm going to like it or not. It's obviously going to be something we haven't done before, but I can't think of anything.

I stifle laughter when Seifer's tongue slides over my navel. I swear he always does that on purpose. Watching his blonde head travel back up my body to rest near my chest, I let out a gasp when his wet tongue flicks my nipple. Closing my eyes, I surrender to the pleasant torture he inflicts on my body. Startling green eyes can be seen on the back of my lids. The only thing keeping the memories at bay.

[Seifer]

Sneaking a glance from beneath my lashes, I almost sigh in relief when Squall closes his eyes. It doesn't happen often, since it sometimes brings up other faces in his mind, but when he gets comfortable enough I know that my face never leaves his mind.

[NC17 Content removed]

Looking down, I find Squall's eyes wide and a slight hint of fear in them. Shit... maybe I did go about this the wrong way.

[Squall]

Tight heat, velvet softness, high pitched screams, blood... so much blood. Tight heat envelops me, so much like those little boys. Too tight --so hot. No-no-no! Please, make it stop. Make it stop. Please...

[Seifer]

"Squall!" putting both hands on his cheeks, I move his head to face me. His eyes are cloudy; he doesn't see me. Fuck! His low whimpers reach my ears, his desperate voice pleading to make it stop. Not knowing what to do, I slap his cheek, careful not too put too much pressure behind it. Just enough to see the dazed look vanish, but the slight fear from the memories are still there.

Bending down, I place a light kiss on his dry lips. Pulling back just enough to rest my forehead against his, I try to sooth him.

"Squall, it's okay. This isn't like anything you've ever done before. You never raped anyone, it wasn't your fault!" Squall shakes his head, chestnut strands falling in front of his pained eyes.

"What's so different about it?" he whispers brokenly. Oh Squall...

"You're not raping me. You're not forcing me to do anything. You'll never do anything like that again Squall. Not if I can help it. You're not hurting me and you tried your best not to hurt them. It's not your fault Squall. Please... look at me." Running a hand through his hair I gently pull back his bangs, clearing the way for those beautiful storm-blue eyes to look into my own.

[Squall]

I look into Seifer's jade green eyes. I feel his hard, heavy muscular body on top of my own. His tight hole clamping around my cock unconsciously. A small winkle creases his scar, concern written plain across his face. Placing a hand on his cheek, I feel a slight stubble. This is nothing like those times in the cells. He is a man, he is my lover. I'm not forcing him into this, I am not raping him.

The memories slowly fade, not to be forgotten, they will still haunt my dreams occasionally. But Seifer will be there. Seifer will hold me, pet my hair until I fall back asleep. Those memories can't control me anymore. This is right. This feels right. Seifer on top of me, around me, surrounding me. This is the present, it's time to move on.

I feel a small smile play across my lips and this time I don't do anything to stop or hide it.

[Seifer]

A broad smile spreads across my face when I see Squall smile; a most beautiful sight. Placing a hand on top of his, I gently squeeze it.

[NC17 Content removed]

I collapse onto his heaving chest, both of us trying to regain our breath. He turns onto his side and snuggles up to me. Smiling down at him, I try to keep my eyes on him when I reach down blindly to grab an article of clothing. Using it to wipe the come off of each of us, I throw it to the other side of the room, using what little strength I have left to do so. Wrapping both arms around Squall, I tuck his head beneath my chin.

He shivers slightly and I use my foot to bring the rumpled sheets up high enough so that my free hand can pull it up around our bodies. I sigh contently when he wraps his arms around my waist.

I close my eyes and in no time I'm asleep. Pleasant thoughts carry over to my dreams and my lips curve upwards in a sleepy and satisfied smile.

[Squall]

Feeling Seifer's chest rise and fall in the steady rhythm of sleep, I squeeze his waist gently. For once I'm actually fully sated and happy. All thanks to Seifer and his stubbornness. He helped me get over my fears, he helped me put my heart and mind back together. He helped me feel again. He brought me back from the edge, again and again. And I wish I knew how to repay him. But I know if I asked he would probably say something silly like, "It's enough just to be with you." He can be quite cheesy at times. But it's been a long time since someone has cared for me like this and I like him just the way he is anyway. Even his romantic knight in shining armor side.

I snuggle closer into his chest, as close as I can get. Placing a small kiss on the cool flesh there, I mouth the words that I

never thought I would ever say. I never thought I would ever feel. But Seifer, once again, proved me wrong.

"I love you Seifer."

End.


End file.
